The Dazzle #14

Sometimes the only thing to do is put one foot in front of the other.

At the end of a very long motorway in Rome I found a medal and a beach and happiness.

I am writing this from Rome, where I have come to run a half marathon. It blows my mind that I just wrote that sentence. Me, a woman who spent decades drinking and drugging herself into oblivion. Me, a woman whose idea of adventure used to be staying up for 3 days and going to work on a bender. That same woman sits here typing this, having travelled to another city to run 13 miles for fun. Who am I? How did this happen? Can somebody pinch me because clearly I am dreaming? 

The run did not take in any of the sights or sounds of Rome. It was straight down a motorway for 21kms, with no spectators to cheer you on. It was 18 degrees which is pretty hot when you come from the UK and have spent the winter running through ice, rain and wind. But as I made my way down that motorway, I felt so so lucky. Firstly, because my body could run for 21kms down a motorway, but mostly because this is the kind of wholesome yet adventurous challenge that other people do. Not me. Not size 20, 43 year old alcoholic Bryony.

And yet! I did it. And I thought of size 10, 28 year old Bryony who didn’t know she was an alcoholic, but suspected she might be, because booze and drugs took up most of her brain, or at least the bits that weren’t swarmed with thoughts about wanting to disappear. I thought about that version of me, who went to Rome with a friend in 2008 and spent the whole time in bars, drinking and smoking and wishing she was someone else, someone healthier, someone who enjoyed culture and went to amazing cities and saw more than just the inside of bars. I thought of her and I wanted to talk to her, to say: “don’t wish your life away, lovely. It’s going to be ok! One day you will come back here and spend two days being a tourist, and then you will run a half marathon, and when you do this you will not have had an alcoholic drink for almost 7 years. Life changes, in the most unexpected ways. You will change, in the most unexpected ways. Hold on in there, lovely. Sometimes, you’ve got to go through the dark to get to the light. Sometimes, you’ve just got to keep moving.” That last sentence kept me going today, to the finish line. I will be saying it a lot more as I move towards my Brighton to London challenge. And I say it to you, right now, if you’re struggling:

Just keep moving.

One foot in front of the other.

Because you never know what joys are around the corner.