The Dazzle #16

On the power of 'giving up', and listening to the Still Small Voice that is your soul.

Not in my plan. But then what is?

They say that if you want the universe to laugh at you, you should try telling it your plans. And with that in mind, I refer you to this little paragraph I put out into the universe in last week’s edition of the Dazzle:

“Every 110 metres or so, I remembered that I start my crazy running challenge in less than a month (Running the Brighton Marathon, then from Brighton to London, and then the London Marathon) and giving up is no longer an option in the crazy-arse-ultra plan I am following. So on I went, ignoring the pleas of my body in favour of the taunts of my ego: “If you give up, you’re a failure”; “if you don’t do this, you won’t be able to do the challenge"; “you’re a total loser'“ and so on and so forth until I found myself in a heap on the floor at home, feeling completely broken.”

Dear reader, the universe has laughed at me. If a week ago I thought that “giving up” was no longer an option, today I write this from the sofa, two crutches by my side, my left leg in one of those orthopaedic boots that signal defeat to all runners. An MRI this week revealed I have a fracture in my tibia. The doctor told me that the only form of exercise I can do for the next six weeks is swimming and cycling. I wept, and then spent a day considering how I could turn my big challenge into a swimming and cycling challenge. My taunting ego would not let me give up! Until the Still Small Voice of my soul came in and overpowered the ego. The Still Small Voice said “babes, the universe wants you to sit. To rest. To respect your body.” If this challenge is about listening to my body and not dismissing it - like many women, I’ve spent a lifetime doing that - then the right thing to do is postpone it until next year, and work out other ways for now to raise money for Mental Health Mates (please check out the amazing work they do here, and if you fancy donating to the cause, you can do so here).

I’ve been thinking a lot about the term ‘giving up’, and all the shame attached to it. We live in a high-octane world, where to be busy it to be valued. Success is about ticking off achievements. With achievements, and a track record of ‘not giving up’, we can tell ourselves that we are worthy human beings. But the journey to true wellbeing is realising that we are ALL worthy, whatever we are achieving or not achieving. The greatest peace of all is found in accepting your intrinsic value even when you are doing nothing. Especially when you are doing nothing. I am a long way from reaching this zen like state, but look, here I am referring to zen as an achievement in itself, and using it as a stick to beat myself with. I’m pretty sure that’s not what the Buddhists had in mind when they came up with it.

I have realised this, in the last fortnight: The biggest challenge in my life right now is not running marathons, or writing books. It’s sitting with myself, and accepting who I am without all those things. Perhaps the way forward is for us to all start doing sponsored-sit-with-ourselves. Isn’t that truly radical, in an age of endless achievement?

I wanted to use this space today to tell you something: whatever you have or haven’t done today; whether you’ve spent it in bed or running many miles; YOU ARE BLOODY BRILLIANT. Each and every one of you. I love you all, for all your achievements and non-achievements and all your vulnerability and fallibility. May you know that however broken you feel, you are welcome here. Come sit with me, and be still, and let’s marvel at the universe and all the strange, mysterious, magnificent plans it has for us.