The Dazzle #11

In which I lean into terror, and ask it what the hell it wants.

I have written a book about a terrifying episode in my life, and as I count down the days to its release, I am feeling the terror again. In late 2020, I began treatment for Binge Eating Disorder. In 2021, I was physically unwell and mentally very low, in the midst of a depression I couldn’t recognise as such, because that’s how depression works. In 2022, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder returned with a ferocity I had not expected, given I was sober and had ‘done the work’. In 2023, feeling brighter and a little bit better, I began writing all of this down in my next book, Mad Woman. I realised that if you are like me - and by like me, I mean anyone in recovery from mental illness - then you are probably always going to be doing the work, and that’s okay. I would rather be doing it than not doing it. It is hard, but I remind myself that it is not as hard as the alternative.

Is it a mistake to write this newsletter about how fragile and anxious I feel? I only know that it is the truth, or my truth, and so write it I must. Writing helps me to make sense of the world I find myself in, one that for years required me to mask my pain, to the point that I truly denied it myself. It also helps me to connect with other people who go through these things too. That is the whole reason I do what I do - so that I can feel a little less ‘other’, a little less isolated and alone (which is exactly where mental illness wants me to be).

Books require neat beginnings, middles and ends, but life is more complicated than that, and thank goodness. Right now, I am in terror that I will be rejected for writing a book about the nights I gorged on raw sausages in the dark, or the time as a child that I thought I was pregnant with an alien. But I wrote this book because I wanted to shine a light on how appropriate mental illness usually is, how it makes a twisted sort of sense and shows up when something is very wrong in our lives, even if that ‘only’ happens to be living in a patriarchal society that isn’t set up for you. And so it is that I realise the terror and anxiety I am feeling right now is utterly appropriate. I’m about to release a book about my darkest thoughts - it would be stranger if I wasn’t freaking out, right?

This week, the Dazzle is not a list of things that have cheered me up. Instead, it is a love letter to acceptance. I’ve been walking around telling myself that I am going to enjoy this book coming out, but I’ve realised I will have a whole lot more fun if I accept that actually, at times, maybe I won’t. Maybe I will be stressed and worried and anxious because I feel like it has to be a bestseller when actually all it has to do is help someone. One person. That’s all. So this week, I am celebrating the things we never celebrate, the negative feelings and self-talk that we are constantly trying to banish. I’m going to lean into the terror, and work out what it wants to tell me. Maybe if I listen to my fears, instead of ignoring them by trying to be something I’m not (which is cool), they will leave of their own accord.

Maybe today, we just need to accept all of ourselves. The good, the bad, and everything in between. It’s all welcome here.

Lots of love,

Bryony xx

PS you can pre-order my book here, if you are so inclined.