Yesterday I drove up to Yorkshire, I have driven up so many times and driving holds no fears for me. But this is the first time since last June that I’ve driven up. I’ve just been so poorly, too poorly. I realise now that it has really affected my confidence in the one thing that was normal after my health issues first started driving. Driving has been my freedom, I can’t walk very far so being able to drive is wonderful.
I have moderate to severe low mood and severe anxiety, which has now been diagnosed as PTSD. I’ve never really been an anxious person before, so it’s a strange feeling for me. I know why I have depression and PTSD, I’ve got to work through things so I can live my life as I want to again. I’ve never before been worried about driving up to my mum’s. It’s so beautiful and peaceful here, that I can relax and rest. I’m cat sitting whilst they are in Portugal. I’m hoping that the rest will allow me to finally get over all the infections and viruses I’ve had.
Today I’m exhausted and I will probably be exhausted for a few more days. It’s frustrating, but I think acknowledging the bad bits, the hard bits and the really shitty bits is important. I’ve not understood that before so thank you, it’s like being given permission to say things that aren’t positive.
So this week has been a mixture of a few good things and quite a lot of shitty things. I’ve got through the shitty things. I have a 100% record of getting through the shitty things. And I managed to drive 200 miles yesterday, which is an achievement at the moment.
As someone who has experienced the overwhelming terror and exhaustion of OCD in my 20s, and is feeling a bit low today for various reasons, I am so grateful for you, your honesty and the fact you’re about to share this book. If you would like to be on my podcast ‘Love and a Cup of Tea’ sometime in the Spring to talk about it I’d be honoured 💗
I'm so glad you wrote about eating sausages in the middle of the night. I binge eat raisins out of the muesli in 2am when I've had a really busy or stressful. They have to be in the muesli, I can't just eat the raisins on their own, I need to pick them out. I thought I was the only one who did things like this - although I might be the only one who does this with raisins. Anyway, reading your story is such a comfort, so thank you
Thank you for this dear Bryony. Need to read that we all feel the terror, that not everyone is skipping along in a meadow of flowers, even if it might appear that way. Much comfort in this. x
A beautifully written reminder of the importance of feeling it all, thank you Bryony. I’m looking forward to receiving your book in the post later this month. 💫
I’m intrigued to read your book Bryony. I too suffer from anxiety and have struggled throughout my whole life coming to terms with it. I have an amazing husband and daughter and being able to talk about what makes me anxious is so freeing (even if it only makes sense to me). Sharing is caring ❤️
I have just preordered. I feel quite terrified thinking of the things I need to get out in my writing, yet I truly feel it is a need. Like you say, even if only one person reading it can feel less alone with the sometimes craziness of mental and physical ill health, then I would feel comfortable to share my uncomfortableness ❤️
Amen to accepting all parts of ourselves! If we reject any part we are only rejecting ourselves. Thank you for this post, it’s a great reminder. Fear will always have a purpose, like it’s trying to protect us maybe., keep us safe. So what does it need? Reassurance that we’re ok, it’s going to be ok, we’re ok?!! Hell yes we are, warts and all 💚💚🙏🏻🙏🏻
Your writing helps me so much. I’ve suffered most of my life with anxiety and/or depression in one form or another (I’m now 63). Constantly feeling ‘different’ - your story of worrying about being pregnant with an alien reminded me of spending a fair proportion of my late teens and early in fear of nuclear war, planning how I would live in the attic because there were no glass windows up there to blow in and kill me and my children (I didn’t think about all the rest of the stuff that would undoubtedly be worse!) Mental illness takes no prisoners and is an awful thing. The last two years have been particularly hard for me, suffering a complete breakdown at the end of 2022/beginning of 2023. One of my patterns is to rush into thinking I am well (because I so want to be) and deliberately not recognising when I’m pulled down again. I genuinely often think ‘I wonder how Bryony would react to this’ - or, even more frequently - ‘It’s not just me, Bryony goes through this too’, this has got me through some dark times. It is hard, and it never goes away, but when life is good, it’s joyous. I am really feeling much better than I have for a very long time at the moment, and I’m convinced it’s because I gave up eating meat a month ago, and now only eat a minimal amount of dairy/fish. I eat masses of fruit, vegetables and nuts/seeds. This for a council house girl who grew up on pies and sausages with zero knowledge of nutrition is a challenge but so far it’s absolutely worth it. I don’t think you can possibly know what a difference your openness and honesty make to peoples lives. With apologies for the rambling essay but I had a lot to say 😂🥰😊
Yesterday I drove up to Yorkshire, I have driven up so many times and driving holds no fears for me. But this is the first time since last June that I’ve driven up. I’ve just been so poorly, too poorly. I realise now that it has really affected my confidence in the one thing that was normal after my health issues first started driving. Driving has been my freedom, I can’t walk very far so being able to drive is wonderful.
I have moderate to severe low mood and severe anxiety, which has now been diagnosed as PTSD. I’ve never really been an anxious person before, so it’s a strange feeling for me. I know why I have depression and PTSD, I’ve got to work through things so I can live my life as I want to again. I’ve never before been worried about driving up to my mum’s. It’s so beautiful and peaceful here, that I can relax and rest. I’m cat sitting whilst they are in Portugal. I’m hoping that the rest will allow me to finally get over all the infections and viruses I’ve had.
Today I’m exhausted and I will probably be exhausted for a few more days. It’s frustrating, but I think acknowledging the bad bits, the hard bits and the really shitty bits is important. I’ve not understood that before so thank you, it’s like being given permission to say things that aren’t positive.
So this week has been a mixture of a few good things and quite a lot of shitty things. I’ve got through the shitty things. I have a 100% record of getting through the shitty things. And I managed to drive 200 miles yesterday, which is an achievement at the moment.
As someone who has experienced the overwhelming terror and exhaustion of OCD in my 20s, and is feeling a bit low today for various reasons, I am so grateful for you, your honesty and the fact you’re about to share this book. If you would like to be on my podcast ‘Love and a Cup of Tea’ sometime in the Spring to talk about it I’d be honoured 💗
I'm so glad you wrote about eating sausages in the middle of the night. I binge eat raisins out of the muesli in 2am when I've had a really busy or stressful. They have to be in the muesli, I can't just eat the raisins on their own, I need to pick them out. I thought I was the only one who did things like this - although I might be the only one who does this with raisins. Anyway, reading your story is such a comfort, so thank you
Thank you for showing up and being human. Acceptance really is the answer. Thank you for reminding me 🙏🏻💜 x
Thank you for this dear Bryony. Need to read that we all feel the terror, that not everyone is skipping along in a meadow of flowers, even if it might appear that way. Much comfort in this. x
You sound brave to me 🫶🏼 Congrats on your book!
“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” - Rilke
Your writing helps so many people Bryony. Thank you and I can’t wait to read the new book xx
A beautifully written reminder of the importance of feeling it all, thank you Bryony. I’m looking forward to receiving your book in the post later this month. 💫
I’m intrigued to read your book Bryony. I too suffer from anxiety and have struggled throughout my whole life coming to terms with it. I have an amazing husband and daughter and being able to talk about what makes me anxious is so freeing (even if it only makes sense to me). Sharing is caring ❤️
I have just preordered. I feel quite terrified thinking of the things I need to get out in my writing, yet I truly feel it is a need. Like you say, even if only one person reading it can feel less alone with the sometimes craziness of mental and physical ill health, then I would feel comfortable to share my uncomfortableness ❤️
Amen to accepting all parts of ourselves! If we reject any part we are only rejecting ourselves. Thank you for this post, it’s a great reminder. Fear will always have a purpose, like it’s trying to protect us maybe., keep us safe. So what does it need? Reassurance that we’re ok, it’s going to be ok, we’re ok?!! Hell yes we are, warts and all 💚💚🙏🏻🙏🏻
Your writing helps me so much. I’ve suffered most of my life with anxiety and/or depression in one form or another (I’m now 63). Constantly feeling ‘different’ - your story of worrying about being pregnant with an alien reminded me of spending a fair proportion of my late teens and early in fear of nuclear war, planning how I would live in the attic because there were no glass windows up there to blow in and kill me and my children (I didn’t think about all the rest of the stuff that would undoubtedly be worse!) Mental illness takes no prisoners and is an awful thing. The last two years have been particularly hard for me, suffering a complete breakdown at the end of 2022/beginning of 2023. One of my patterns is to rush into thinking I am well (because I so want to be) and deliberately not recognising when I’m pulled down again. I genuinely often think ‘I wonder how Bryony would react to this’ - or, even more frequently - ‘It’s not just me, Bryony goes through this too’, this has got me through some dark times. It is hard, and it never goes away, but when life is good, it’s joyous. I am really feeling much better than I have for a very long time at the moment, and I’m convinced it’s because I gave up eating meat a month ago, and now only eat a minimal amount of dairy/fish. I eat masses of fruit, vegetables and nuts/seeds. This for a council house girl who grew up on pies and sausages with zero knowledge of nutrition is a challenge but so far it’s absolutely worth it. I don’t think you can possibly know what a difference your openness and honesty make to peoples lives. With apologies for the rambling essay but I had a lot to say 😂🥰😊
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